Like there is a river that runs into the sea, or the flower that blooms on the tree later to transform into a leaf, as the one leaf becomes many. There is you and there is me sharing this blog. I ask who are you the reader? I can not know you directly unless you introduce yourself in a message or email. But even in that do I ‘know’ you? So instead, you are who I imagine you to be, the person I imagine that I am writing to. You are tall and have blue eyes, or you are short with brown eyes. Both descriptions could describe the person on the other side of the screen that is right now reading what I have written. Maybe you are not these physical descriptions at the same time but in equal parts of my imagination you are all descriptive adjectives.
You are ‘every man’. Not to say you have to be a man, I myself am a woman. However, I too am ‘every man’. I like you have fears, even if those fears seem to be different. That which we identify as fear is still fear whether it is of a spider or rejection. I like you have hopes, hope that traces through the very center of who I define myself to be.
Some time ago I was sitting in my room alone, much like I am now. I was writing in a journal while listening to music. I find that my greatest moments of inspiration come from music and the lyrics artist write. I find inspiration from others, but also from God. I have been trying to hear God more clearly in the past years of my journey. I feel like I have gotten better at this, not perfect though. During the night mentioned before, I was also reading scripture trying to understand the direction that God wanted me to take. I have more clarity now but still I find that the answer is not as clear as I would want. Or maybe I am just not receiving it as clearly. I don’t know, but I am ok with the unknown.
I use to have so many plans of my own. Plans that were mapped out to what I believed would bring me my greatest joy. Like you who are reading these words, the things I wanted and planned did not turn out as expected. Nor did they even happen. In my youth I used to believe that someday I would be a great performer on broadway, then once in college after realizing that I suffered from stage fright. I dreamt that I would be a great lighting designer on broadway. I went as far as going into one of the top-level lighting design programs in the country. I had applied twice to the same program, because they only accepted two people a year. I know that I had talent, and I still know this. I even had passion for what I dreamt of achieving. The problem came though once I had walked through the door of accomplishing my goal of getting into graduate school. Have you ever desired something some much that it ached through your bones? The day I received the acceptance letter was one of the happiest days. I literally jumped for joy. My mom heard me yelling and thought something was wrong, I couldn’t even get the words out at first because I had lost my breath. I was happy crying uncontrollably. Finally the words “I got in” sprung forth with such force that laughter replaced the tears. The year changed me. I learned a lot about lighting design. I also learned a more important life lesson, one I never planned. Life lessons are like that though, always unplanned. I came to realize the plan I had for my life was not who I was. The direction I had been swimming towards, no longer defined who I wanted to be. Nor who I was intended to be. It was a hard lesson to realize. I kept struggling through the program, not because I lacked the talent. Maybe I lacked the experience, but that is the least of the source. I achieved a goal I had worked so hard for. However, once I stepped through the door of achievement the image I saw was not me. It was instead the imagined me I had used as the adjective to define myself. I still love the things I used to dream of, and it will always hold a place inside me. The fact remains that while I was trying to define myself as theatre lighting designer, I didn’t leave room for anything else. I am so much more than one adjective. You are so much more than blue-eyed or brown-eyed. You and I are alike because underneath it all we have the same desires.
The nights I sit in my room alone to write I find honesty in my continued evolution. I like most have been shaped by my experiences. These experiences at the core are the same as yours. They are the roots that help us understand our lives and its purpose. The root of my life has given me an understanding that LOVE is the purpose of life.
1 Corinthians 8:3 But whoever loves God is known by God.
1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love.