To often in the past I have tried to make big changes by jumping. There is nothing wrong with taking a leap every now and again. In my experience though when I take big leaps, especially when it comes to my health, I often stumble afterwards. This time around I feel a desire to start small. Have you ever made a new year’s resolution, which started out going great but after a few months you found the commitment you had made faded? In the past I would set a resolution, such as exercise an hour a day or go on a diet where I only juice for a week. Like I said, nothing wrong with taking a leap forward like this. Often when the step was to far forward, I often found resistance which will only pushed me backwards. So, since I no longer want to keep doing the same thing I did in the past, which never lasted. I am going to take one small step forward at a time.
I am going to commit to 1 hour a day for 70 days, which will equal 70 hours for 70 days. Hence, the title of my project 70 for 70. I figure this is an easy commitment, and it should have the least amount of resistance. I am hoping by the small steps I take, God will guide me through my maiden voyage. I desire for his breath to steer my sails. I will move forward slow and steady.
We have three areas of our being; spirit, soul, and body. I hope to commit 1 hour of each day over the next 70 days on all three aspects of myself. In order to devote time to the spirit, I will read one bible verse per day. For the soul, I will spend time reflecting on the verse. My reflection can take many forms whether it is listening to praise music, journaling, blogging, and/or praying. For my body, I will spend time exercising. I am out of shape, and know this about myself. Instead of jumping into a lot of exercise all at once, I am not going to set a time frame of how much I should exercise each day. Which is what I did in the past. Instead I am going to set a goal of endurance for the end of 70 days. Since 70 seems to be the magic number for this whole project, my goal of endurance will be 70 minutes of continual exercise without losing breath. I will allow myself to work up to this number. I will also allow myself moments of rest, and not become judgmental if I am exhausted from the day at work and just want to lay in my bed and watch a movie. I will be slow and steady, building my temple one stone at a time. I know this will lay a stronger foundation. I will also be more aware of my eating habits. I can ask myself, is this something which will build a strong temple. If the answer is “no”, then I will not eat the item.
I feel as though these guidelines are simple enough to get started. I am excited to see where this journey will take me. I am excited to see how God will use this project to radically transform my life forever. A transformation which will last for 70+ years, a lifetime of living a love filled life.
Over the past year God has been taking my life and transforming it. I had stood at #WMCONF (World Mandate Conference) in 2016, and heard his call for me to Go. By the end of the weekend I had wholeheartedly said yes to GO where God was leading me. I had spent most of my life believing in Jesus. I had even felt the presence of the lord numerous times throughout my lifetime. However, I had never been washed by the spirit, in a way were the only thing left for my life was radical transformation.
I had been spending my life on a journey, where I desired things to be different. I lived in a state where my life would be better when….. this or that happened. I was always looking for grass to be greener on the other side of whatever I imagined to be the reason why I wasn’t happy. Yet, I could never get to where I wanted to be, or where I imagined I should be. I had many goals and expectations about my life, and I studied different tools I could utilize to make changes. I claimed that I wanted to be healthier, but I continued to make unhealthy decisions. I made excuses for myself, and for others. I even went so far as to use my unhealthy habits as a crutch, for why I was not who I wanted to be.
I made radical changes here and there. I even ended up losing about 60 pounds of weight five years ago, only to revert to the old habits which I was so familiar with. I dropped down from a size 14 to a size 6, which is the smallest size I had ever been in my adult life. Then life happened, and the habits I had tried changing on my own had slowly creeped back into my daily routine. I regained the weight, and now five years later I am a size 14 again. Some radical changes have stuck around, and I wouldn’t say that I eat to unhealthy. I became a vegetarian some ten years ago, and five years ago I dove into being a better version of the vegetarian I had become. The one thing I learned is you can be a vegetarian , and still have a poor diet. A diet of pizza and other junk foods, can be vegetarian friendly. However , they are not healthy choices.
Over these past few months I have come to realize one of my biggest lessons; you can not continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect things to change. This is insanity. To do the same thing and expect different results. Instead of trying to change my way, I have decided to allow the Lord to blow me where he will. Allowing him to transform the deepest parts of my own identity. I now see this as the path to becoming who God has made me to be.
Since I moved back home six months ago, I have been exploring how God can further transform my life. After much prayer and thought on the subject I am embarking on my maiden voyage. A journey into living a love filled life. The idea of the 70 for 70 project came a few months back when I was spending time with God. I was waiting on him to give me some direction, and so I heard him tell me to wait 70 days for clarity. I waited, and on the 18th of December as I was flying to Texas to spend Christmas at my brother’s house I had a dream. I was in flight and I dreamt the Lord’s hand was under the plane as we flew. I woke to a sense of assurance, knowing the Lord was with me in every aspect of my journey. I realized because the lord was with me, I could continue to see radical transformation. Unlike the changes I had experienced before, this time would be different. Instead of trying to change my life on my own, I would now allow the Lord’s love and grace to change me from my roots up. I would begin with a foundation. I would build the foundation on the rock, like the wiseman.
Matthew 7;24- 27 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
How will I begin to build my foundation, one day at a time. If you take 70 days, it can transform into 70 more days, or 70 weeks. Then 70 weeks can become 70 months, and 70 months become 70 years. 70 years becomes a lifetime of living a love filled life, one stone at a time.
I have spent a lot of time up to this point going through my shakedown, or period of testing before the first voyage. As I prepared to set sail into a transformed life, I started with the word “Yes”. I said yes to allowing God to lead me beyond the borders. I desire to wander farther than my feet can travel. I know when i am tired he will carry me. When storms approach, he will calm the waters. All I need is faith in his unending love. A love which moves mountains, it carves out canyons, and transforms a single drop of water into vast oceans. A love as Bob Goff puts it, love does.
My body is worthy of being his temple, washed in the holy spirit. For the first 70 days, I will begin to make healthy choices which reflect treating my body as hs temple. I will allow the word to transform the body.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
Glory will be exalted as the transformation takes shape,
Preparing for who I have made you to be.
I mold you on the potter’s wheel,
as it turns the cold subtle clay from soft to strong.
It becomes something unrecognizable,
Transformed in a kiln of fire burning-
as bright as the hottest star in the universe.
I wait for the moments when you come to me,
Loving me as I have first Loved you.
You are my greatest creation.
That is why I made you in my image.
To know more completely.
You are my bride who says “I do”
Take up my cross and follow me,
For I am beyond what your mind can comprehend.
I have more wonder-
than the air you breath.
Come let me Transform you.
Jeremiah 18:6 He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel.
1 Peter 5:6- 7Humble yourselves, therefore, under Godʼs mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Last night as I was laying down before bed to meditate I had a single thought, which involved the name of my ex. It had been a while since I thought about him. It has been a while since we ended our two-year relationship. As I laid in bed I started writing a letter to him in my mind. Well, that was it. I had to get the letter out onto paper. I turned the light back on and sat there in the middle of the night pouring out a letter to a person who was no,long part of my life. I didn’t quite understand the impulse. Like I said it had been a while since I had even thought about him. I don’t intend to send him the letter, but I think in some way it was the release of any bit of him which was still left. Did I mention that the guided meditation I was doing was about letting go? I figure this is what brought the whole thing about. I want to share with you what I wrote……
Dearest,
It may seem crazy to be writing this letter, especially after all this time has passed. I haven’t the least bit of expectation what may come of it. I have very little hope that you will even read this letter. Nor do I even anticipate any form of response. Yet, I write it not because of some need to even hear from you. I have discovered instead that words are powerful. Words can defy expectations, they can even bring understanding to your own past. I have been writing a lot lately, you see. I have been recalling memories and sharing them with others. It has brought me some happiness over the past weeks. It has shown me the other angles of the memories which I had not seen before.
I was in bed this evening when in my mind, I said your name. I had a thought of you. Not because I was wondering how you are getting on or what you have been up to. No, it was just a thought, and so I said your name. The simple thought brought forth a memory though. Do you remember a few summers ago, how you called me unexpected. You were in a drunken state, and dialed my number. You wanted to apologize for screwing everything up. You can’t begin to know how I had wanted to hear those words, even then. Alcohol is a funny thing sometimes. It lowers our inhibitions. I don’t think you would have called had it not been for the drunken state you were in. At first the apology did not mean that much to me. I only felt you were too late. A lot had been done and said between us, and in ways the apology seemed tarnished by what you said afterwards. Yet, one thing still sticks out. As you confessed in the uninhibited state you were in, your new relationship was so different from ours. You confessed how much you missed being able to talk to someone like you had with me. The great thing about our conversations were the honesty between us. This honesty was there from the first day we met. I had never let anyone in so close before. We had true intimacy. I had taken down all my walls for you. I will confess to have been afraid of letting people in for some time after you broke my heart. However, the brokenness did not maintain its hold over me. Tonight, I sit in the darkness remembering all of it.
Memories can be a silly thing. They can be like a ribbon dancing along in the wind. You are walking in an open field which is your mind. When a gust comes along whirling the memory in front of you. So, you stop to gaze at its wonder in admiration. Thinking about what was once my life. Yet, it is only a ribbon which can be blown further off into the distance. Landing in a tree somewhere for a short period, until it gets blown in front of you again. As I have been writing and remembering more often, I have begun to see things differently. I know we were happy for a while. Like memories happiness is fleeting. It often gets overshadowed. Happiness is never sustained. Instead we must find joy. Not the kind of joy that is really just happiness masquerading as joy. No, we must find the true joy. Joy filled with warmth, the kind of warmth which fills us completely. It consumes every fiber of our being. With joy, there is no room for anything else. Even in the sadness life brings we can still be grateful, because we know joy. You could also call joy love. Not any love but agape love. The love which only comes from God.
I am not sure what you have been doing over the last few years. I don’t even really need to know in honesty. I know what I have been doing. I have been searching. Searching for joy. I have been trying to discover who I want to be. Not only that, but also who I am, and most importantly who God has made me to be. What I have discovered has filled me with joy. It is overwhelming at times. I feel as if my heart will burst from the likes of it. I don’t feel it always, but like God it is always there. In all ways. I don’t have all the answers. And I know that they will be a lifetime in the discovering. The one thing which has brought me to the understanding I have known has been each step along my journey. I have admiration for the part you played in this journey. Without it I would not have understood what I do now.
I understand God has made me into a woman of hope. Even if others around me see it as foolish optimism, I know it is who God wants me to be. How do I become her is a continuation of what has already been. I have lived a life full of many seasons. Many seasons are still to come. You were only a small part in the middle of one of these great seasons. Just as I was a part of one of your seasons. You once told me you believed we were going in different directions. I did not want to believe this at the time. All I wanted was to be going in the same direction as you, but maybe one was ahead of the other. I know now you were right. I choice just to ignore it. We have different paths, and maybe one day we will cross our paths again. Even if it is just a wave hello. I , my dear, will continue to become who God has made me, all while being who I am. Who I am, who I have always been, is beloved by God.
When I put down the pen, and lay back down to sleep, I had a dream. I was standing in an open field and I saw a red ribbon. As I followed the ribbon float back behind me from the direction I had come. I saw him in the distance. He smiled and turn around, starting towards the forest behind me. He met a woman and they walked into the forest together. The one detail I remember about the forest they walked into was it must have been winter, because not a single leave was on a tree in the forest. It was also rather dark, and lacked anything happy. Then a butterfly flew up into the air catching my attention, then hundreds of butterflies were around me as I turned to the right. I ran up a small hill, chasing one of the butterflies. They all flew away as I looked out over the horizon. I began run down the hill towards sunshine and warmth. I started to notice friends of mine on either side of my path, they were smiling and waving as I passed them. Then as I looked upon eat face I noticed they were all the friends I have made over the past two years. All those who I have loved, who have helped me to rediscover God’s grace. I looked ahead and saw a different forest, this one was filled with light. Every tree had the greenest leaves on them. They were hundreds of oak trees to be exact. Stretching beyond what I could see. At this point I was no longer running on my path but rather floating. As I approached more faces, I noticed I could tell if they were male or female, but the face was blank. It was blank like an abstract painting you might find in a museum. Then there were three male faceless people, the first kissed me on the cheek, the second held my hand, and the third I walked up to a minister and married. All the time I was gazing into his face but could not see it. It was all blurred. The only details I remember was he was taller than I am. However, that is easy to do because I am only 5’2″. I smiled and woke up.
In the beginning of the dream I might just claim my subconscious working thoughts out, but now after reflecting upon it I think differently. I am reminded of the dreams of Daniel and Joseph in the bible. How it was a way for God to communicate with them. To show his plan to them. I feel as if this dream was a promise from God that I have so much good ahead of me. I will love again, and someday find someone to share my life with. He already knows, but if I saw their face it would ruin the mystery. I have so many more people to look forward to being friends with, all of them I know I will learn from. I imagine I even have a boyfriend or two who I will date before I find the one God intends for me to marry. Like the dreams of so many in the bible, it gives me hope for the future.
Christmas is the time of year when we all find the hope someday we will have peace. It is a time when our perspective changes. We often see the world around us with more possibilities. Something about the hope the celebration of a season to give. Even the people who don’t celebrate the holiday as the celebration of Jesus being born still find good will in their hearts. Hope finds each of us with this season, and reminds us that just like Mary and Joseph finding shelter in a manager God always provides exactly what we need.
Growing up my mom would always take a tag of the angel tree to buy a gift for four children. Since she had four children, she would chose a tag off the angel tree to represent each of her children. Often telling the story about the christmas cheer given to us because of the generosity of others. In a way she felt like because God provided for her children that one christmas, she wanted to help provide a special day for other children and parents that were in the same situation she had once been in.
When I was around the age of 9 years old my mom, brother, and I were living in a trailer my grandmother had bought for us to live in. My mother was a single mom, since she had divorced my father a little over a year before. We moved to West Virginia from New Jersey because mom had lost her job during the divorce hearings. She needed family to help her out until getting back on her feet, and her mother lived in West Virginia. We moved during the middle of the school year. The first several months we lived with my Great Grandma. Then my grandmother bought a two bedroom trailer for us to live in once my mom had found a job. The deal was she would pay the lot rent for the trailer park, and give grandma monthly payments towards the cost of the trailer. Mom wanted to better herself to create a future for herself and us, so she started taking night classes at the local community college. She had skipped college when she graduated from high school and instead got married right away and started a family. All I know is she struggled like many single parents. It was hard making enough money to cover the expenses and the needs of two children.
It was to be our first Christmas in the new home, and mom had told us we might not be able to get much for Christmas that year. Knowing she would not have any money to put towards christmas presents for her two kids, she registered for a local drawing with the boy scouts. It was a service project, the boy scouts would choose one family to sponsor for christmas. They would go out and buy presents to give the sponsored family. When mom would share the story with us years later, all the worry she had would show up on her face as she remembered. Mom shared how she was afraid not a single thing was going to be under the tree on christmas morning. She told us how she prayed to God asking for him to provide a way for us to have a happy holiday, especially after all we had been through with the divorce. God answered her pray that Christmas. Our family was chosen from the list of those who had entered to win the drawing. I remember how we had more presents than I had ever seen. I never knew until later it was all from the boys scouts. For my mom the greatest gift was not the number of presents we received, instead it was the way God answered her prayer beyond expectation. It was not answered how she expected. She was able to get us each a couple gifts after all because she received a back child support check. Beyond that when the boy scouts came. Mom will share with us kids if asked how surprised she was as dozens of gifts were presented through the door to find a home under our Christmas tree the night of Christmas Eve. She only expected a few things to be dropped off.
We had lost everything in the divorce. The night mom finally left my father, he had come home drunk. He began yelling and screaming and hitting her like he did when he was high or drunk. She often describes how the Lord gave her strength to leave that night. She packed a few suit cases and took us to the car and left. We had toys, just the few clothes that she could fit in the suitcase. It didn’t matter to mom. SHe knew she needed to finally leave. It was tough not having anything. She had gotten us a few things while at my uncle’s house. I remember a doll baby the church gave me to take home on sunday. She was able to go and get things from the apartment a few weeks after with the help of the cops, but my dad had sold most of the stuff. I remember the few toys she brought back to the place we were staying I was missing half of things. Like I got one roller skate, the other was gone. I had a few baby dolls but they were all naked, dad had taken the clothes only giving us the dolls. I am not sure why he would do such a thing, but I imagine now it was a way for him to believe she would come back. When we finally moved to West Virginia, we were starting over. You might imagine how it might feel to children of 9 and 4 to get so many presents when they had lost everything just a year before.
When I think of this story, I often think about the other families who were hoping to be chosen to be sponsored. I hope God provided for them just as he had provided for the answer to my mom’s prayers. I know in my heart he did. It is still one of my happiest Christmas memories. It has nothing to do with how many presents we received, but instead it has to do with how even when we see no hope. Even when we lose everything, Jesus is there to give us what we need. As a 9 year old he knew that I needed to see the hope of Christmas. The hope sometimes you get more than expected. I was expecting a few presents because mom had been telling us not to expect too much. At the age of 9, I knew she was struggling. Can you imagine how it felt to wake up on Christmas morning and see how even after everything is lost, the spirit of christmas can surprise you? The memory still tugs at my heart even today. Joseph and Mary found God’s provision the first Christmas, and two children and a mother found his provision after a very long year of difficulty. I pray for your Christmas miracle, and a reminder from God to show you how much he provides, even in your darkest hour.
There often comes a point in one’s life when you stop putting so much value on your parents approval. Some people never reach this point, while others discover this early on in their life. For me I discovered the lesson when I was twenty-two years old. I was away at college dealing with another life lesson. Sometimes even when you feel like you are true friends with a person, it can be a lie you tell yourself because all you really want is for people to ‘like’ you.
I was in my second year of college. The first year I loved the college I was attending, and met so many wonderfully awesome people who I became great friends with. Unlike in high school I never had to ask permission if I wanted to do something. I just did it, if I wanted. I was becoming independent. I was an adult after all. When I went back the second year I was excited. In the beginning, things were great. Or so they seemed. I started hanging out with a new friend named Jennifer. Now she was someone I knew the year before, and had been friendly with. However, the second year we started doing everything together. I had a car my second year of school, and was always willing to help a friend out taking them to places off campus. I can’t say Jen and I didn’t have fun. We had a blast. I discovered how much fun going to a gay bar and drag show could be. It was liberating doing something, my parents might frown upon. Now along with Jen came her gay best friend. So, I drove the three of us everywhere. If I found myself feeling lonely or bored even, I could always call Jen and we would go jauntting off on some great adventure. The lesson soon to come was when I started passing out in class for no reason. It was scary not knowing what was wrong, and not having my family around to help. I would rather hang out with my friends than do any school work, and so my grades suffered. I could never say no when I was asked to join some of my friends who were going out. Mostly we did silly things like going to the 24hr Wendy’s and spending hours playing card games in the booth. Or other times we would drive to the closest city and go dancing. I was the typical college student, going to a school in a small town.
It took me until the summer to understanding why I was having what seemed to be seizures, but weren’t. All the tests kept coming back normal. It wasn’t something that happened everyday, but definitely once every other week or so. In the summer I discovered that I had an anxiety disorder that showed itself in the form of pseudoseizures. I would later learn how to manage my stress. Something I didn’t know anything about my sophomore year of school.
Have you ever known a person who gets satisfaction from causing problems among a group? It’s as if they thrive from the drama they create. This was Jen. I can remember many times when I would hear about some trivial conflict which blew up into an argument within the group of friends I was part of. I discovered by the end of the year I had been taking on other people’s worry. Growing up I was often the peace keeper in my family. I would smooth out the arguments among my siblings. I took on this role in college. Every time there was conflict, you could count on me to try to smooth things over. Playing this part hurt me in the long run though. Maybe being a peacemaker among three siblings is easier than when more people are involved. I now know that was one of my main sources of stress my sophmore year. I valued what everyone thought about me. I wanted to be accepted. I struggled in my teen years with feeling like an outsider. So, being the peacemaker was a way to be inside. In some ways Jen helped me by creating the drama I would try to fix. Yet, it all got to be too much. The only thing I could do to change things was to walk away from a friendship. When I did this I started seeing how Jen had been manipulating me, and using me. I also learned she had stolen from me. Or at least I suspected that she had stolen from me when she got caught stealing from someone else.
I had up to this point often avoided confrontation. The day I confronted Jen’s bff, who had become a dear friend to me, was the first time I ever faced a fear so head on. It gave me the courage to keep going, so I confronted Jen. I ended our so-called friendship, and never regretted it. I don’t want you to think I am blaming her for all my problems at that time, because I had been willing to play the role. It’s just when a person or people are a source of negativity, the only way to get rid of it sometimes is to cut the source off. There is enormous power in recognizing this.
After all of this happened, I started to see how I was afraid to tell my mother how unhappy I was. I was afraid of disappointing her. Her’s was the one opinion I valued above all else, even my own. I have become such an independent person over the years that I often forget I used to not value myself. I see how God used even these events that I did not want to shape me and teach me how to stand up for myself. I learned how to find my own voice. A voice worth sharing. I still value my mother’s opinion, but I now value my own first. I am also not afraid to share things with her like I used to be. I know, no matter how different we view things, she is my mother. She will always love and support me. It may take her a bit of time to come around to certain ideas if she disagrees, but eventually she understands me. She accepts me no matter what. Her love is more valuable than her pride. Despite this though, I know she is proud of me. Even in the decisions I make which she does not agree.
Over the years I have enjoyed reading. During my early twenties I started reading a lot of different types of non-fiction. I have always loved a good story, but as I was becoming an adult true life stories to over my fascination. I was in a time of my life when I was trying to discover the definition of self. I remember one particular book asked the question if you rated your life from one to a hundred ‘How deserving are you?’. What shocked me was my honest answer was not one hundred percent, no I would have loved to say in all certainty that I believed in myself. Instead I started with an answer of 85%, but then a small voice filled my head and said ‘no its lower’. Was it 75%? The voice didn’t agree, instead I believed that I was only 65% deserving of my life. At first I didn’t understand how I could believe such a thing about myself. I knew that self-confidence was important. It wasn’t like I completely hated myself. Although I don’t think a percent who doubts their own worth has true love for themselves. Instead I questioned my worth not because I didn’t have people who loved me and supported me. I like so many people often do, I could not trust that this frail small person traveling along her way could ever find favor in life. I lived in a word where no matter what I did, I would never be good enough.
I had grown up in the church. I was a christian from the young age of five, which is the first time I asked Jesus to come into my heart. I knew even then that no matter where I went in life I would always have him by my side if I only asked. I did not really understand this fully, but I felt like it was something I must do. Not because it was expected, but because it was what I needed. I took many turns in my life. I went out into the world, and even though my faith never fully left me. After all once you ask Christ in, his promise is to stay with you. I did however stop going to church, stopped reading the bible, stopped praying unless I really needed something. I am sure a lot of people pray like that. The pray only comes when something tragic happens and you have nothing left to do but pray. Or maybe you only pray to ask for things like a good job, or new car. Well, that’s what I did for a while. I became wrapped up in my own struggles and world.
Today I was reading Luke 15, the parable of the lost son. To paraphrase the story the son takes his inheritance and goes out into the world and basically blows all of his money. Then he has nothing. For a while he is too afraid to return home, but eventually he does. He thought surely his father would at least give him a job among the servants. To the son’s surprise the father rejoices in his return.
Luke 15:21-24
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Letʼs have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.
In many ways I can relate to how he must have felt. The son still loved his father as he went into the world. He just wanted to make his own way, have a bit of fun. He did things the father would not approve of. It wasn’t until after graduating undergraduate school that I walked away. As I look back at taking my inheritance, it became about trying to decide what I believed. I was no longer certain that I believed in Jesus because it was something I wanted or something my family and friends wanted. It was a time when I had to discover the truth for myself. I was not a bad person even though I was questioning my faith. I look at this time in my life as great growth. I spent all my inheritance in the world and had ups and downs.
Then as I looked around and had nothing left. Like the prodigal son, I turned to my father. I walked into a church that changed my life. The very first sunday God sent me a messenger, to remind me how much he loved me. At the end of the service as we sang one last song, a stranger came up to me and asked to pray for me. As she started praying, the words she spoke poured into my brokenness with love. She shared an image of a little girl wrapped in her father’s arms. She spoke truth about how Jesus had never left me. I was the prodigal daughter who had come back to my father’s house and he was sending his servant to bring me a robe of love. Over the last two years he has been there every step, as I healed, as I became whole, and as I said yes. I discovered my worth. I can now answer the question ‘How deserving are you?’ and answer 100%. My heart is full with his love. I am sure that there will be times I stubble like a small child he will always be there to scoop me up. To wrap his arms around me, and sing a song of celebration. I know it is because of him. I know with every breath I posses, that I am worthy of his love. Not because I am perfect , but because I am his child. Just as you are his child, have faith that you are 100% deserving. Run to the father’s arms knowing he too will scoop you up and carry you through.
Romans 8:14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.
My life is bound to my faith and that is where my strength lies. I cling to what I have learned through my past, all things are possible. The faith I have is a large part of who I am. When I push it aside, I often become lost. I lose myself in the world. It has been a long road to reach this point in my life, and I know I still have further to go. I believe God has a plan for me. I the plan is not in the destination but in the journey. I have fallen many times, but each time he picks me up and I surpass where I used to be when I fell. I know this has a lot to do with the decision to accept Christ at the age of five. I have never since that time been without faith, even when I was lost.
Faith is such a deep part of me it guides each and every decision. It guides decision when I don’t want it to. I know in my heart the events of 2016 were all in his plan. As much as we often like to think of ourselves as in control, it is often an illusion. We must not confuse control with that of free will. Free will is a gift God gives us. In my execution of my own free will, it is the faith I hold which shapes my decisions. Sometimes the world tries to persuade our choices. This may lead to what is not pleasing to God. However, I spent so much time recently reflecting over the lessons I have learned so far in my life.
I am preparing to write notes and letters to my friends and family for Christmas. Many people send out cards sharing all the many experiences that the year has brought them. It is a quiet reminder to each of us about the things that shape us. I write letters to myself sometimes, when I take the time to journal in the evenings. I haven’t journaled every night since I started my first one, but pages are filled with big life events and thoughts I knew were important to get out. The many journals sitting on my bookshelf tell a tale of what I have lost and gained.
Steps along the way were never clear, but when I read the words I wrote so many years ago, or even yesterday, I see my own evolution. They have become a tool for me to remember. Not just a remembering of what was, but also they show who I was the moment my pen hit the paper. I look forward to revealing to the people who find my blog the many evolutionary lessons I have learned. I have the understanding words can inspire even with the shortest content. Bless you all as your pen writes “Merry Christmas” to the ones you love and cherish. May the length of your content inspire the faith of the season.
I have been hearing from God lately. It has been coming in a couple different forms of yearning and imagery. I am tired of my own reality being the same. I am ready to step outside of myself and make big changes. I had an epiphany about a week ago. I have not written about it until now because it was such a big thought that I had to mill it over. I was having a moment in the car while listening to praise and worship music. The destination is not important, but the epiphany is. I heard the words, ” Be who I want you to be.”
Now this may not be as big of an epiphany as you may think, but I haven’t yet mentioned how for an entire week I kept waking up with the same exact thought. It may seem strange to have the same thought on repeat every morning like the alarm clock from the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day, but that is exactly what was happening.I believe God was trying to tell me something, but I wasn’t yet ready to listen all the way. So for an entire week I woke up thinking, “Be who you want to be”.
Yet, during this drive a change in the thought took place. And with it came my epiphany. If I wanted to make the changes I so desperately desired in my life. I must first “Be who I want to Be”. Then I could “be who God wants me to be”, which would allow me to “be who I am”, and “be who God has made me to be”.
I feel like this will be my journey over the next year. I know part of this has already begun. Over the course of my life I have been traveling a path. This is a metaphor we can all relate to. It is imagery that has been used in poetry, literature, and life for as long as I know. I will not claim to know for how long , but I have heard or read this metaphor more than I can count. One of my favorite uses of this metaphor is the poem by Robert Frost. You probably now what I am talking about, Two roads diverge in a yellow wood…..I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
I want this for my life, to take the road not often traveled. I see how I am standing here faced with a road which is diverging. I could take the one that seems to be the safest. Or I could take the road that forces me to step out of my comfort zone. I don’t know where either will lead me in the end. But, I know just as you do that if I take the one less traveled by, it will make me different. It will allow me to be who God has made me to be. The best version of myself beyond anything I could ever imagine.
I admire people in the world who can make this decision, because as I am finding out it is not an easy one to make. There are many challenges to overcome.The first being the very human nature to resist change. We are often creatures of habit, and that habit is hard to break away from.
Like I have asked myself, today you too can ask four simple questions. Maybe they will take you on your own road less traveled by.
Who do you want to be?
Who Does God want you to be?
Who are you?
Who has God made you to be?
As I search for the answers to these questions, I hope you too will find the answers. Hopefully along the way you will discover a different answer than you could have imagined. Let’s challenge one another to break away from our normal, our habits, and let whatever has been holding us back from the person God has made us to be burst into the universe. To be the best version of ourselves beyond what we could ever know right now.
Like there is a river that runs into the sea, or the flower that blooms on the tree later to transform into a leaf, as the one leaf becomes many. There is you and there is me sharing this blog. I ask who are you the reader? I can not know you directly unless you introduce yourself in a message or email. But even in that do I ‘know’ you? So instead, you are who I imagine you to be, the person I imagine that I am writing to. You are tall and have blue eyes, or you are short with brown eyes. Both descriptions could describe the person on the other side of the screen that is right now reading what I have written. Maybe you are not these physical descriptions at the same time but in equal parts of my imagination you are all descriptive adjectives.
You are ‘every man’. Not to say you have to be a man, I myself am a woman. However, I too am ‘every man’. I like you have fears, even if those fears seem to be different. That which we identify as fear is still fear whether it is of a spider or rejection. I like you have hopes, hope that traces through the very center of who I define myself to be.
Some time ago I was sitting in my room alone, much like I am now. I was writing in a journal while listening to music. I find that my greatest moments of inspiration come from music and the lyrics artist write. I find inspiration from others, but also from God. I have been trying to hear God more clearly in the past years of my journey. I feel like I have gotten better at this, not perfect though. During the night mentioned before, I was also reading scripture trying to understand the direction that God wanted me to take. I have more clarity now but still I find that the answer is not as clear as I would want. Or maybe I am just not receiving it as clearly. I don’t know, but I am ok with the unknown.
I use to have so many plans of my own. Plans that were mapped out to what I believed would bring me my greatest joy. Like you who are reading these words, the things I wanted and planned did not turn out as expected. Nor did they even happen. In my youth I used to believe that someday I would be a great performer on broadway, then once in college after realizing that I suffered from stage fright. I dreamt that I would be a great lighting designer on broadway. I went as far as going into one of the top-level lighting design programs in the country. I had applied twice to the same program, because they only accepted two people a year. I know that I had talent, and I still know this. I even had passion for what I dreamt of achieving. The problem came though once I had walked through the door of accomplishing my goal of getting into graduate school. Have you ever desired something some much that it ached through your bones? The day I received the acceptance letter was one of the happiest days. I literally jumped for joy. My mom heard me yelling and thought something was wrong, I couldn’t even get the words out at first because I had lost my breath. I was happy crying uncontrollably. Finally the words “I got in” sprung forth with such force that laughter replaced the tears. The year changed me. I learned a lot about lighting design. I also learned a more important life lesson, one I never planned. Life lessons are like that though, always unplanned. I came to realize the plan I had for my life was not who I was. The direction I had been swimming towards, no longer defined who I wanted to be. Nor who I was intended to be. It was a hard lesson to realize. I kept struggling through the program, not because I lacked the talent. Maybe I lacked the experience, but that is the least of the source. I achieved a goal I had worked so hard for. However, once I stepped through the door of achievement the image I saw was not me. It was instead the imagined me I had used as the adjective to define myself. I still love the things I used to dream of, and it will always hold a place inside me. The fact remains that while I was trying to define myself as theatre lighting designer, I didn’t leave room for anything else. I am so much more than one adjective. You are so much more than blue-eyed or brown-eyed. You and I are alike because underneath it all we have the same desires.
The nights I sit in my room alone to write I find honesty in my continued evolution. I like most have been shaped by my experiences. These experiences at the core are the same as yours. They are the roots that help us understand our lives and its purpose. The root of my life has given me an understanding that LOVE is the purpose of life.
1 Corinthians 8:3But whoever loves God is known by God.
1 John 4:8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love.
Oaks Of Splendor 